Ryan Air and the “Gotcha line”

Well, wouldn’t you know it? Our favourite good ol' RyanAir used every conceivable trick, subterfuge and downright deceit to get extra €€€ out of me. Bombarded every day with online reminders to upgrade this and buy extra luggage space, get your dunny paper now - it’s cheaper on the ground - all sorts of lurks which I told them to shove half way up their ice-holders.

Finally they thought they had me for another €50 charge at the airport. They keep telling you to confirm online now and print your boarding pass (which we knew about already!) So, of course, I did confirm online and they said "Yes, that's cool. We'll send you your boarding pass by email”. I read the really tiny print (I had to zoom in to 200% and then use the magnifying glass!) which said "You might not get your boarding pass until 24 hours before take-off but don't worry, we'll be sending it to you. You don't need to do a thing. Just lay back and get ready to enjoy the flight."

As soon as I read that I panicked! I KNEW the bludgers were setting me up for a "Haven't downloaded your boarding pass that we sent you? Get in the €50 “we gotcha” line."

So 24 hours before partenza I started checking things:

No email with boarding passes. They are not bad (well really they ARE bad - what I mean is they are excellent at deceit). They DO send you emails 24 hours before with more last minute reminders about "Oh! Don't like the seat that you paid extra for? No problem BUY another one!" The idea being that they want you to think (as you head for the 'gotcha' line) "Oh yes I remember getting your email but I must have missed the boarding pass". Of course you "missed” it. The fucking thing wasn't there!

I had booked through an agency and established an online account so I could manage my booking and the site provides the status of the booking. Within 24 hours of departure the site clearly indicated that a boarding pass has been sent and it confirmed the email address. No such boarding pass arrived.

I went to the RyanAir website. It tells you that you can check in there. Well you'd think that on one of the really prominent spots on the home page would be a button that says "Confirm your flight here". Nope! So you search the site and it says "Now don't forget to check in online or it'll cost you €50."

Lots and lots of warnings but no "Confirm here" button. So you go to "help" and there's actually a pre-prepared question: "How do I confirm my flight online?" Now, you HAVE to think you've hit the jackpot - or you are nudging pretty close!

Nope! The first thing they say is: "This is easy. We make this process for dummies that can't even speak the language - hold on this is RyanAir. It's Irish! They DO speak English already (well put it this way - they WRITE in English).

Anyhow, after telling you how any idiot can do this, they provide a step by step YouTube video! What could be easier?

Well I watched it through twice. Maybe I got distracted the first time. No I didn't. The bloody thing was anything OTHER than helpful! I had a better idea BEFORE I watched the bloody thing! It omitted completely any instruction about WHERE you'd find that bloody button! They very obviously DON'T want anyone to find it or else the gotcha line would have no candidates!

With all this online research I came across the message "Download our RyanAir app for mobiles. It makes EVERYTHING easier." Shit, I thought, that's what I need. If the video was made for bogon dim wits who are they pitching this app to? Nothing else worked so I said "Let's give it a try!" Well, fuck me, it worked!

Downloaded the app, scrolled down 10 pages of "Buy your dunny paper now and save heaps, Need a car when you get there? Of course you do. You can't walk everywhere! Where are you going to sleep when you arrive - in the street? There's less traffic in one of our beds......" when I got to the bottom I found the bloody “confirm here” button! I put in my reservation ID and it prompted me for my email which I provided. I thought “You little Bobby Dazzler! I am home and hosed. They will email me my boarding pass!” Nope! Email didn't arrive. What I found was a download file in that hidden folder on my phone. Opened it and found the file with that funny square "barcode" symbol like you get when you download your boarding pass in Oz. So now you reckon I'm as happy as a pig in poop, right? Wrong. I'm thinking "I bet half the mugs standing in the gotcha line have that same barcode symbol on their phones!"

Wouldn't it be the quintessential "gotcha"? All these mugs come up to the desk with this funny symbol expecting it is going to get them on a plane to Spain! Bloody idiots! So I spend the rest of today finding out how you print a boarding pass on PAPER. Somehow I just feel a bit more reassured if I can wave a piece of paper at someone who is trying to be an arsehole.

Anyhow, if the funny symbol on my phone works then at least I'll have some spare paper that I can put to good use using as - you know what? CORRETTO! And in the process I saved €6! NOW I am as happy as a pig ....

Ciao for now. I am as ready for RyanAir as it's possible to be. Just hope it's ready enough!